Lately I have been trying to learn how just to let go of someone you like or love(friend or crush) and not be selfish. Its really hard. I mean you want to see them happy but you want to be the one that makes them happy. I mean end the end its the right thing. But all the darkness before the dawn sucks. You feel loney, confused, kicking yourself mentally for doing something, and etc.
 The worst part is you know that god really has something better but you dont want to admit it. So you get angery with him. Because your still that kid in the toy store who wants that thing now and doesnt care what happens in the future to it. No matter how bad in the end it could hurt you.
 Im starting to learn how to do it. Im still kicking myself when I do something around them I shouldnt or get upset when i shouldnt. How not to take things so personally. I mean its not easy. Sometimes I wish I wasnt learning this lesson. I wish it was just easier but its not. No matter how much I want to be the person who makes them happy, the one they turn to in a time of need, the one they want to be with, and ect. I just have to learn that its not always going to be that.
  And I know God has a bigger better toy for me when I am ready for it. Not when I just want it. Its going to be something I hold on and cherrish forever. But I still am like why does this have to be so hard. Then Im like well if life was easy what would be the point in living. There would be nothing. Just what we wanted to satisfy us for that short time. I want that toy god has for me when I am ready..but the truth is the wait is much harder.

Wow! I havent been on here in ages. lol.
Well. Everything is good with me. Other then the whole college thing.
Concerts good.
Warped tour is thursday.
Going with ThroughHislens, kim, Tina, and Misty.
So Excited.
I get to see Anberlin live! AGAIN!

Night!
Much Love X.O.X.O

So.
I have had this Idea for ever. No Im not saying what it is. But its killing me. Like its all I think about now. I never stop thinking about it. Like Its perfect in my head almost...kinda. But I cant seem to present it to anyone. I dont want to be called a copy cat. Because Im not. But anyways I've had this Idea for like a year. I have pretty much everything but a name for it. It wouldnt be as wide as the main group that does this...it would just kinda be a central Fl thing. But I really want to present it to someone....so just help me get the confidence to do so.

They suck...
They really do. I finally am content with my life...then all the sudden some of my friends are suddenly not talking to me...acting werid. I dont get it. Its all confusing. It doesnt make since. What did I do? What did I freaking do? I just want to know. I mean I'll gladly apologize for what ever I did. But I mean....I go from oh jess we're going to miss you too...we're not talking to you. But like 3 or 4 people. Im just like what the heck. To be honest i want to cry. And its really stressing me out. I mean its not like eh there my friend but there my best friends....I just dont get it.
Sometimes I hate life this is one of those times.
Who knows...maybe this sunday will be different.
I have state for band on wed. So yeah.
I dunno.
Like I said I just want to cry.
I really do.

So the bad is out of the way...
hehe.

So anyways...
The good.

So I dont like anyone. The scary part is that I am loving it. Itss so nice. I have no worries. Its like I am free! lol. I dont have any pressure anymore to beat chicks out of the game or look perfect. Its nice. Being single is awesome. lol. I look at these other chicks and they are like I was up at 5 doing my hair. And I am like Ha I am so glad Im over that. Yes I do still thank god for the gorgous men...but Im not in a rush to get in a relationship. Its nice. So what I dont have a date to my senior prom. At least I wont have the pressure of partying with anyone or putting out. Ah. So nice. I really hope that more girls realize what I have.

I really havent posted anything before but sometimes writing helps. And right now I just need to vent a bit.

No one can describe this spring break not even I it has been that crazy.
There where the amazing moments....then there where the horrible I wish I was in a shell where nothing bad could happen to me. So I guess I will tell you about my rollercoster of a spring break. So as John Mayor would say...
"Say what you need to say" thats what I am going to do.

Well... Well start with the beginning of spring break.
Friday was good..I got my job I went to the 10th Ave North concert with my brother eric, my soon to be sister in law lynn, Sean, Ryan, and Mike Lee. The we went to this kid named Ryan Cooper where I was introduced to this amazing game of Fireball. Its where you pour lighter fluid on a tennis ball and light it on fire and hit it at eachother. Its a lot of fun. lol.

The rest of the weekend went actually really well and uneventful. ..

Then Monday rolled around. The devils day as I think of it. I was supposed to start at American Eagle that day. But on the way to the mall I got a call saying that it was cancelled. Which was ok. Then I went to blue springs chillin....to be honest I really didnt want to be there. I really didnt want to be around any of my friends I just needed a break from them. It was fun. I got home and hung out with my brother for the last few hours he was in Florida until the wedding unless he comes down for his birthday. So that was monday.

Then Tuesday was lazy day. Or at least I thought so. I went skating had an amazing time with christina. Then I got home that night...thats when everything in the world went crazy. I mean nuts. I found out my dad might have colon cancer or something that could turn into it. But the doctor was sure that it wasnt going to be or delvelop into anything cancerous. But we wont know until after his Colonoscopy. Which is the 21st. Thats when I was starting to think god wasnt there and started running.

Wed. rolled around I woke up went into American Eagle for training stuff. That was alot of fun. Then wed night was inside out(youth). You see I was kinda upset with this girl. She always stared at me when i hung out with the guy she liked. I really dont know why. I guess I kinda just let all my anger out on that. But I had everyone conviced it was only that. Then I got home and finally told someone. They said that I should talk to the student pastor but I dont want too. I dont want people thinking someone else is the cause of this.

Then good ol thursday rolled around....Nothing big happened. Just got ready for camping. I kinda got sick. But I lived obiviously. Im writing this. lol.

Friday! The big day! The day of my first camping trip. Other then the boats breaking down and this huge lighting storm it was good day. Yeah I kinda got into it with this one girl once. But I decided it was just better to put everything behind me. I had an amazing time. Prob. for once in my life I was able to relax and for get the world for 24 hours. I think that was the night where I looked up and finally got things straight with god after 2 weeks of running.

Sat. was the end of the camping trip. We all got back pretty much safe no one really slept the night before. So It was quiet on the way home. I didnt talk very much on the trip anyways. Sometimes its just better shut up and listen and looks around a be like wow.

Finally today Sunday. I got really sick this morning. I couldnt go to church. But I am feeling better now. I never realized how scared I was until today. Like what if something happens to my brother up in GA. Or what if the doctor was wrong and my dad does have cancer. Then to top it all off. In May we might be selling our house. The guy who wants to buy it wants to bulldoze it in a year but we can live in it for free still. All we have to do is pay the house insureacne. Then May of 2009 goodbye central florida. Hello north Florida. I really dont want to move. All my friends are down here. So if we do sell in May. This is my last summer here in Central Florida. This is the last summer I get to go to the beach with all my close close friends and people I have known forever. Im gonna stop before I start balling my eyes out.

But that was bascily my spring break. I just needed to vent so I really dont care if anyone reads this. But if you do. Just pray for me. That I'll stop being scared and let god deal with it. Well thats all. Night.