Dear Site Visitors: Please feel free to read the blog and give us comments. This is the basis for a book on divorce recovery for the Christian heart and I would like any suggestions. Does the reading come easy? This was part of Steve's doctoral dissertation and he tried to make this less educational and more of a self-help. Thanks for any input. Pastor

Marriage--a Partnership of Three
A marriage may exist without the Lord, and Christians who marry do get divorced, but we are talking about the marriage that God intended for his creation. However, in the creation of the marital trinity, the fact it exists with three members is not by chance—but the creative plan of God. If the couple is devoted to each other and growing together in the Lord, the base of the triangle comes closer toward each other—they are growing in love (agape) and out of the idea of selfishness.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
When we try to work alone, we get limited results. When we work together then we can share a greater return. Likewise, in the marital trinity, we see various roles for the husband and wife. In today’s society, we do not like to talk about submission. The uproar of the sixties and the seventies was a revolt against the man-woman submission ideal God spoke about in His word.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24
  With the advent of the birth control pill and state-sanctioned abortion, women are now freer in their personal decisions regarding sexuality. This allowed society to value getting ahead regardless of another person’s values. I lived in the times of the eighties—the ME generation. Books were written about how to achieve financial success. Yet, while many were running to the bookstores to buy books on personal success, we were losing the war on relationship success. This was not the ideal the Father had for his creation. We see this modeled by the Son the night before his death.
Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God; so He got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around Him. John 13:3-5
Jesus was a great teacher of leadership. While He was due all honor and allegiance, He chose again on the night before He was to die to teach the disciples the great lesson of submission. On the way into Jerusalem, his disciples are talking who would be the greatest in the new kingdom. They still did not know or understand this new kingdom would be far greater than any other kingdom. Therefore, He stood and performed the one task that could not be forced upon a Jewish slave or bondservant. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. This is real submission—not the boss of the household but the servant of all those who live in the same house. I have had my feet washed and I have washed the feet of others. It is a humbling experience. It takes a real determination to kneel at the feet of another person. Jesus did it to show us what leadership was all about—to serve others.
The modern feminist movement tried to equate equality with sameness. A smart couple can realize prior to the marriage each person brings something special to the marriage. These are gifts to the marriage partners from God.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21

Jesus was speaking to his disciples the night before his death. He was leaving them but not leaving them alone. They would go through harsh times for the Gospel. In the setting of the Passover meal, Jesus reminds them they are to remain connected to Him. A husband must also remain connected to the Lord spiritually to continue to be the priest of his home. His first role of husband is to wash his wife with the word of God. If he is abiding with the Lord, then he is teaching not so much from the mouth but from the heart as the Word of the Lord has instructed him first.
 I have been in vineyards directly after the workers have trimmed the branches back for the winter. The old branches lay on the ground to be destroyed. However, those branches, which were closely connected to the main vine, would remain. They would be the foundation vines for next year’s crop. They may have been pruned back to make next year’s wine more flavorful, but they were still connected. Likewise, husbands willing to endure the trimming back in their lives will find the fruit of their marriage more fruitful and sweeter.
Couples may go through tough times and disagreements, but if they will remain committed (read connected) to the Lord, then they will find it much easier to remain committed (read married) to the other person. (End of Chapter 1)

To those of you who have read the blog, Steve in now 52 on August 1st. We have been away for two weeks vacation and will resume this blog when we return on Monday August 4th.

In the Jewish marriage ceremony, a groom would go toward the home of the bride and bring her back to the groom’s father’s home where the ceremony would take place. The idea is foreign to people today who see the wedding in a church or rented hall. The bride comes by limousine by an unknown driver in a black suit. Yet, the bridegroom would follow his father’s instructions and get the woman he may not know. They would walk back and begin several days of wedding celebration.
Can you imagine the faith of Abraham as he left all he knew to follow a God he could not see? The fact of the leave-weave and cleave is the same for relationships today. Couples need to understand they are breaking away from what they have known all of their lives and are starting something new that God will show them.
If you have ever built a house, you may have used a new product where they take wood and glue and with heat and pressure form a beam of wood much stronger than normal wood. It is used to support the floor of new construction. It is resistant to bugs and lasts longer than natural wood. This picture of the weave of the marriage is seen when two partners can take the other person for who they are and bring together a new product stronger than what existed before—complete with new values, traditions, faiths, and dreams.
We will use this diagram for discussion of the Leave, Weave, and Cleave Theory. Within theology, we all know the picture of the Trinity in which God is revealed in the three persons of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We may get a misunderstanding by seeing the roles as a triangle in relationship to their roles in the Trinity. When we see the Trinity as a vertical line with the role of Father at the top and the Holy Spirit in the final position, we truly understand the Trinity as revealed by Scripture.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross! Philippians 2:3-8
And
He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me. John 14:24
And

When He comes, He will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment: in regard to sin, because men do not believe in me; in regard to righteousness, because I am going to the Father, where you can see me no longer; and in regard to judgment, because the prince of this world now stands condemned. I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come. John 15:8-15
We see the Father as the Creator of the universe. This does not dispute the Bible for it teaches through Jesus Christ all things were created. Yet, we see Jesus speak many times in Scriptures deferring to the Father. He could not do anything unless the Father showed him. We see the night before his Passion Jesus said He would send the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit would not speak on His own but the things Jesus has said.
In marriage, there exists another kind of trinity. Within it, submission of the husband to the Savior is the first step. Men love to speak of Ephesians 5:22 in order to exert control over their wives. In fact, once a friend told me a deacon of a fundamentalist church we attended introduced himself to my friend and said his wife is under submission. I would have asked him who he was in submission to. In the marital trinity, the submission toward the Savior must be the first part in regards to bringing the emotional differences together. If a husband is willing to submit to the authority of Jesus over him and his teachings, then submission to the Lord brings the idea of servanthood within the home. The husband is not seeking to lord over his wife, but lead by serving.
“I am the Vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples”
John 15: 5-8

God’s standards for marriage must be understood from the beginning of divorce counseling because then the divorced person understands all have fallen short of God’s standards for marriage. This includes them and with this knowledge, they can begin the process of healing from the past.
 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Romans 3:23
Author’sTthought
As Steve, I wanted to find the beautiful woman who would fulfill my sexual needs. She would be my friend who would accompany me to the activities I loved to do. She would be the caretaker of my household so I could focus my life on the day-to-day events of making a living. She would also respect me and show me admiration. I had grown up with a mother that stayed home during my childhood. Everyday she had Dad’s iced tea ready when he came home. Dinner would soon follow and we would gather at the table for dinner. What was wrong with wanting the same things for my marriage? Nothing, except I was focusing upon being served. Jesus teaches us that to be a leader you must be willing to serve. However, strangely enough, she did not want the same things I wanted. She wanted to talk when I wanted to be quiet. She wanted affection when I wanted sex. She wanted financial support and family commitment and all I wanted was fun. The two needed to be brought into balance without violating each other’s boundaries.
Marriage is symbolic of the love God has for his chosen people Israel and of Jesus’ love for his Church. The first union of Adam and Eve was God’s gift to a lonely man—busy yet still lonely. He needed a companion because in God’s eyes it was not good that man should be alone.
For your maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is His name. The Holy one of Israel is your redeemer; He is called the God of all the Earth. Isaiah 54:5
And

Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Revelations 19:7
God’s love for Israel can be traced through their long and continual history. No, they did not remain a nation after the destruction of the second Temple, but almost two thousand years later, they have reestablished a national presence in the Holy Land. In the New Testament, the church is the bride of Christ and one day will be united with Him forever. Therefore, marriage is another witness to the eternal love of God. Just as we might struggle against God with sin, we struggle against a spouse over the toilet seat or drying the dishes. The marriage that endures speaks of God’s never ending love and forgiveness.
The Leave-Weave-Cleave Principle
When Abraham left his home for the land God promised, it was with a distinctive separation from his family and all he knew to become one with God. This is a picture of what I call the Leave-Weave and Cleave of a marriage. Abraham was to leave his family to follow God. This meant all he had known as family would forever change to go where God would send him.

In recent years, society has tried to remove any idea of the differences between man and woman. We accept the physical differences by having different standards in such fields as the military and sports. However, we have tried to remove the differences in gender. When I was younger, men would open the doors for women and stand when they came to the table. However, men were told we were to treat women as equals. The debate of equal pay and benefits clouded the fact men and women are different emotionally and physically. The problem is God has made us different, and when we fail to understand these differences, we find ourselves shocked when people act differently than our expectations.
Author’s Thought
When I went to college in Rhode Island, I had one defined agenda on my mind. The first part was to be the only son of Russell Mentzer to graduate from college. My father had never finished high school and so to have a son go to college would make him proud. All of my life I tried to make him proud of me. I was not mechanically inclined and to this date and would always disappoint him when we worked under the car or in his workshop.
I still can do no more than change a light bulb or fix something with duct tape. In fact, when I began to date Vicki, my new wife, I was asked by her widowed mother if I was handy around the house. I quickly let them know I was very good at calling those who were.
Secondly, I would find a wife to marry. We laugh and say that the reason some women go to college is not to get their B.S. (Bachelor of Science) but to get their MRS. I was going for the same reason. I pursued both with drive and with determination. I had dated a woman for two years during college and thought her two daughters would make a great ready-made family. When it did not work out, I soon found another whom I would eventually marry. However, just as I had my agenda, my former wife had hers.
Dr. Henry Virkler, one of my former seminary professors wrote in his book, Broken Promises, we have two different kinds of expectations or agenda as we approach marriage. For the man, he is looking for 1) sexual fulfillment, 2) recreational companionship, 3) an attractive spouse, 4) domestic support, and 5) admiration. The woman seeks different needs and has completely different expectations of a future spouse. She wants 1) affection, 2) conversation, 3) honesty and openness, 4) financial support, and 5) family commitment. (Henry A. Virkler 58-59)What happens when a man and a woman have two different agendas and are in competition in the search for a future spouse? They may find it difficult to overcome these differences without a Biblical understanding of the marital relationship. Marriage is like a bow and violin. However, what you must understand is both parts must be in the hands of an accomplished musician to make a beautiful sound. If you were to give it to a child, a sound of two cats fighting might occur. However, if the violin and the bow were in the hands of Jascha Heifetz, then you might be brought to tears by the beautiful melodies and sounds.